Endings

Yesterday was my last day of classes. It’s just finals and studying now.

A couple of weeks ago, I made a to-do list of things that needed to be accomplished by the end of the semester. Then, it was only about 12 items long. Now, it’s down to three things long, and one of those things is to pack, which is almost fun sometimes.

Three finals Monday. A lit test, a take-home final is due, and I have to perform my monologue for the last time. This is most certainly do-able.

It’s good to pace yourself.

Oh, the sweetness of endings.

If there’s one thing I really learned this year, it is that I need to take things one step at a time. If I look at the whole right away, it can get overwhelming. Focusing on solutions, on putting one foot in front of the other, makes my life more manageable. As much as it’s important to do this, it is also important to recognize when I need a break. Within that large mass of things that I do, it can be very easy to go into cyborg mode.

Towards the end of the year, I am also hit with a very strong urge to quit. Just drop out. Or transfer. Run away from all of these problems, and get out of here. This year it hit with a vengeance, and while I didn’t think about it as seriously as I did last year, the burnout really struck. I’m sick of this traditional, college life I’m leading and want something different. I am tired of living in theory and want to expand on it.

I’ve been in school for over 14 years now. That’s 14 years straight. When I think of it that way, I am saddened by how much of life outside of the protective institution of school I don’t know about. I also recognize that at this point, I really, really need a break.

I am a human! I need to laugh, breathe, cry, shout, and dance as much as any other human being! I am not an academic robot, without feelings, producing producing producing. I am a woman, and being a woman, I need other things in life.

As this year ends, I recognize the experiences that I’ve gained. I recognize that the trouble, the stress, the magnitudes of work, were not in the end insurmountable. I am stronger because of struggle. It’s part of why shamans are called “warriors.” We overcome the difficulty of the spirit.

I apologize for not keeping up all that well with posting here. Well, at least, not posting much of consequence. I have some future blog posts planned, but not written. Right now, the work load isn’t looking as intense, just some things I need to do to finish up the semester well. Thankfully, this semester has not been all that difficult academically. I’ve had a lot of activist stuff to focus on, which has been very draining and exhilerating.

I’m glad that this year happened the way that it did. I’m glad that my friendships have been strengthened, and that I’ve gained another form of real-life experience.

I’m excited for this next phase.

I won’t end this entry with an “if I can get through the next four days.” Because I will. It’s not a matter of whether or not that will happen. It’s a matter of getting everything done, and then moving on to the next phase of my life.

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